I was chatting with a couple friends the other night over copious amounts of beverages, and we were bemoaning the fact that we weren't in relationships. We joked about all the faults we had and questioned why it's so hard to find a guy in a city that is literally bursting at the seams with interesting people.
We laughed and cringed over embarrassing anecdotes that we had heard through other guys and girls. And, the idiotic things that we've done to somehow lose a guy in less than 10 minutes upon meeting them.
So, naturally liking all that I heard, I wrote them all down. Enjoy the richly ridiculous and sometimes lame actions that turned a number of male friends of yours off from a certain girl, be they friends that are girls or girlfriends or just a random girl they met in a bar. And yes, some of these things are from my own book of embarrassments. A few of them I combined because they made more sense as one general idea and whittled them down to the following (long) list:
How To Alienate Boys and Lose A Man in 40 Ways or Less:
For the New Acquaintances, Old Beaus and Man Friends in Your Life
(In no particular order)
1. You have a man over, and your pet pulls out from the trash an utterly unmentionable object that it then proceeds to eat in front of the two of you.
2. Vomit on him. This works especially well at any local establishment that sells alcohol.
3. Call him, and then hang up when he answers. Except, it’s a cell, and he already had your name down in his contacts.
4. Text him repeatedly with this symbol “?.” This is also your first text to him ever since you met him the night before.
5. Drink too much. Then ask him if you’re pretty. When he says, “Sure” or “Yeah, I guess,” follow up with “Well then why won’t anyone go out with me!”
6. Laugh hysterically at all your own horribly painful jokes.
7. Playfully punch him one too many times in the arm.
8. Confess your undying affection to him. Then, cry like a baby when he doesn’t respond the way you want him to. (This 99% of the time has to be in a public setting.)
9. You have a man over, and your collection of granny panties are laying on the couch next to a pile of “clean clothes.”
10. When a man talks about something he’s really into like MMA or video games, immediately retort that you hate that.
11. Write an anonymous love letter to him. Then, mail it, except you are required by the postal service to have return address on a piece of mail so now he knows it’s you.
12. Fake passing out to avoid all forms of intimacy.
13. Tell him repeatedly that his friend is really hot.
14. When a man starts to appear interested in your flirtations and wants to get a little more serious, say you’ll be right back. But, you’re actually running to catch the last train home.
15. Upon meeting an interested man, ask him to dig your car out of the snow so you can leave the party.
16. Also, ask said man to ask all the other partygoers to move their cars. Then, leave without thanking him or catching his name.
17. Lie about your age. Then, when you find out how young he actually is, tell him you could never date someone that young.
18. Talk about your love of animals, especially cats and dogs. Showing him pictures of all your pets, or pets you’d like to have, also helps.
19. Maintain at least 10 stuffed animals displayed on your bed.
20. Have a trundle bed
21. Incessantly talk about things you hate about yourself like your thighs or cellulite.
22. Dress like a hobo and then attempt to be the “sexy” one.
23. As a joke, tell him you’re pregnant.
24. Try to push him onto your friends. Then, decide later you want him back.
25. Ignore his phone calls.
26. Trash-talk him to all your friends.
27. Drink him under the table.
28. After a moment of heavy petting, don’t follow through.
29. Tell him he’s had too much to drink.
30. If/when he falls asleep, immediately leave. Army crawling is preferred.
31. After a night of fun, act like nothing happened if/when you see him again.
32. Intimate that he is not allowed to hang out with any/all of his female friends.
33. Monopolize all of his time/life. Utilize tools such as Facebook, Gmail chat, AIM, Skype, conference calls, 4Square, etc.
34. Encourage a new man to hang out with his friends. Then, become livid when he doesn’t call/text you in a timely manner.
35. Bring a new man to your place. Bring out your pet to show him. Kiss your pet and tell it that “Daddy’s home!”
36. Ask him to come with you to your babysitting gig.
37. Invite him over for a movie night at your place. A double feature of movies based on Nicholas Sparks’ books.
38. Ask him to read to you out loud. Criticize the way he pronounces words.
39. Keep Elizabeth Wurtzel’s book Bitch out in your living room. Tell him you’re really into it and force him into a conversation about uneasy topics.
40. Make him into a Murse (Man Purse). Have him store all of your personal belongings in his pockets. You shouldn’t have to haul around a purse that doesn’t match your outfit.
Well that's that. What are some moments in your possibly relationally challenged life that made you rethink whether you should start medicating yourself?
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