New Year, Old Delusional List of Things to Accomplish

Well it's good to know that i only got 3 things done in the last year, cause hey, 3 is better than 0... though 10 would have been even more so... so here it is again, now at 7. 7 things to do before the end of the year! Kinda hoping I at least get through one thing eh?

Learn to draw - some people say that practice makes perfect. Well, I've been attempting to draw the same stupid cake design for the past few weeks to no avail. (I'm a nerd, I like to design things that I'll end up eating in tears) It still looks horrible. Depressingly horrible. In some instances, it appears to be a foot with a dying bouquet of flowers on top. I'm sure if I could even glean some basic sense in lines and perception and what not, I may be able to create some decent design to work off of. 

Learn to play the guitar - even if it's just a couple of chords and figuring out that darned TAB, it'd be nice to know what that crazy 6 stringed thing is all about. And, isn't it like the foundation of every metro/emo/bohemian to know how to play the guitar? Luckily the roomie has one so I don't need to make a possibly regrettable purchase. (I also realized that being good at Guitar Hero does not make me good at a real guitar.... *sigh)

Find a job - oh how I really need one!! With HEALTH BENEFITS for sure! (Not really helping my case by not really actively throwing my resume out there)

Get into shape - or at some semblance of a shape that's not a pear or apple. It's on everyone's list so might as well be here.

Do some yoga classes - never been but for some reason I own a yoga mat. What does that say about my sloth?

Learn to dance - seems like I'm leaning towards ballet as it would maybe mix well with the yoga, though I do have thoughts of grandeur to become the next Ginger Rogers so maybe some crazy ballroom lessons... but I think I'd have to find a partner for that. I've never been one for legit dancing. Except for that time (check it, 3 times) that my mother sent me to Cotillion dance classes where I learned how to waltz, jitterbug and macarena before that crazy macarena song came out. I am a macarena queen.

Explore NYC - it's funny how I hear from people that have lived here for a long time that they haven't gone to certain places in the city. I don't want to be one of those. I met a sweet elderly man once who every Saturday with his wife would pick a spot on a map of New York City and then they'd go there. Wander the day away. He joked that he couldn't remember half the things he saw or tried in those place, but he was happy to have gone and known that "hey, that's what Governor's Island looks like."

Clean the apartment - It seems trivial, but who has seriously done a DEEP clean of their place? Taken a whole weekend and scrubbed, swept, aired out the entire place? Not to mention the things that uselessly pile up everywhere. I know there are some posters that just sit waiting to be chucked. And those acres of dresses that I keep that I should let go of.

Speed Date - Yes, that's right. Speed Date. But not just any old speed dating. Speed dating where I'll create a ridiculous cover story then attempt to alienate every sketchy older man who decided that this was the place to pick up a chick. I'd love to really be in a relationship, but I'm gonna use this opportunity to be the worst possible version of myself. What can that be? Any suggestions? Maybe I'll find my ballroom dance partner. heh heh.

Read the Bible - seems lame to say this, but it'd be nice to read it cover to cover without giving up and stashing it away in my bookcase next to all my film books. Come to think of it, I should probably re-read some of those. I'm not a very religious person, though I am Catholic, so it seems like the right time to get back into something that I was once fully committed to.

Double the Fun

Envision yourself in this scenario:
You are in a standoff or a hold-up or some type of gun fight. You and your opponent/captor/villain are facing off like in Face/Off.... Each pointing a gun at the other's head/heart/privates. All of a sudden, he pulls out a 2nd gun. Now he is holding 2 guns and you have just the one. Now what are you going to do?!




it takes 2 baby

 Odds are it won't effing matter. Because even though he's holding two guns, you still have the one. And one bullet hurts just as much as 2-10 depending on how fast and ambidextrous your opponent is.
There aren't many shows/films that utilize the awesomeness and subsequent absurdity of a person holding 2 guns. I mean really, one wasn't enough, how bout you take your investment in 2 expensive handguns and roll that into something more managable like a tommygun? More bang for your buck right?

Mr. Kilmer knows what i'm talking about

Well, let's induct another member to the the "I like to shoot with 2 guns" club.
Sean "Renaissance Man" Combs.
I FINALLY (after an entire summer) caught up with CBS' Hawaii Five-0, Sean played a tough as nails NYPD Detective who comes to Hawaii undercover to expose a criminal. Oh glorious catch! His wife is murdered and his son is almost killed too! So what does he do? With the help of HPD hotties, he tracks down the bad guys.

so believable as a cop....

Best use of a double gun since that horrible Boondock Saints sequel!




Our careers are flailing!! (let's not cross streams here)



Maybe it was the bullet proof vest that made him look more turtle and less badass. Or maybe it was his "alert" "crouched" "stance" as he pointed both guns at their villain. No, it was definitely when he shot the guy. With both guns. Like 6 times. Point. Blank. Hey, Mr. Combs...this isn't a drive by, most people will go down with just the one shot, 2 to be sure.

If you haven't seen Hawaii 5-0 yet, then I think you may be in the majority. And I pity you.

Lady Gaga's Return from Oz

I like Lady Gaga. She's great. Fun catchy music that I can bounce around to. I'm definitely not as well versed as some of my other friends in all of her songs, but I get by. Everyone knows her strange yet original sense of fashion and style and what not. I mean to each her own eh?

Well imagine my surprise when I happened upon her new album cover art.

OptimusGaga

WHAT THE?!!?

She's a motorcycle humanoid thing. Cool? Thinking for a moment "wow another fun original thing." Then it hit me. She's totally a poser! She just wants to be a part of that most awesomely bad/cool gang known as The Wheelers from the 1985 Return to Oz.

"hey baby, let's go for a ride."

If you haven't seen the film, no worries. You're not missing much. Well maybe a little. A tree that grows lunch pails!? An awesome furniture/moosehead creature called a Gump. Some creepy woman who switches out her head like hats. Oh, and a really young Faruza Balk playin Dorothy escaping a mental institution that's trying to electroshock that Oz outta her.

I mean I guess, going back to Gaga, it's come full circle now. Wearing an outfit of Kermit heads to wannabe Wheeler (Jim Henson's son Brian voiced Jack Pumpkinhead in Return to Oz).

What's next Lady? Pulling a David Bowie from Labryinth?



Your remind me of the babe



A Place Where Nobody Dared to Go

Oh but we dared to go there. And that place was called XANADU!!!

Imagine my glee when I perused my netflix list and saw that Xanadu was playing on Instant. Why of course I'll watch it now! The next 1 hour and 35 minutes were pure mind-numbing W.T.F.-ery.
Words cannot describe how aweful and good this film is. So good because it's extremely silly and seriously how does a person go from being a painter to opening a roller disco? Was she really sent from Olympus to inspire this roller rink? The Gods must be crazy.

Here's a brief rundown of this awesomely bad 80's film:
A down on his luck artist is inspired by one of the Greek muses to band together with some old dude who used to be a famous jazz clarinetist to open the world's most awesome roller disco rink named Xanadu. Music by Electric Light Orchestra. The End.

Human light-brite

Oh but wait! There's also a lovey-dovey sequence that's entirely animated and is reminscent of Ferngully. Everyone gets outlined in neon. Apparently Mt. Olympus is just one giant discoteque. And that old guy? It's Gene Kelly! Gene, singin' in the rain, Kelly! If you can wrap your head around that then nothing can phase you from this film. Except maybe the absurdity of that roller rink.

dude, no means no

The musical moments are either really cute (a la the cartoon sequence) or suuuppper weird (the rest of the film). Where did all those people come from? Why are they dancing like that? Are they being racist?!
The only fantastic moment was when they did a mash-up of a jazzy, Andrew sisters type song with an 80's punk song. Classic. Literally a precursor to Glee mash-ups.

Montage of weird songs!

I could go on and on about everything in this film. Like poor Gene Kelly.  But, watching the film for yourself would just be best.

You could like it so much that you get a tat like this one...

Oh yeah, the guy who plays Sonny was totally Swan in The Warriors... should have stuck with the gang films Sonny.

Would you rather build a roller rink or kick some ass?

Tofurkey is such a liar

I'm all game for making tofu into something it's not. A brick, replica of an adobe pueblo, animal shapes. But I must say, tofurkey was the biggest disappointment ever. Not only what I hoping for a giant turkey shaped piece of tofu, but I thought, how funny would that be that I served that and people would be too polite to point out it tasted really weird. Like tofu weird.

No. I was wrong.

Don't know how long ago it was. But I do remember the sharp pang of WTF as I walked around the grocery store looking to make the funniest dinner gag ever. What I found was a cube sized box, and what I found inside the box looked like this:

nestling it in a bed of veggies doesn't make it anymore appealing

That's not tofurkey! What is that?! what's in that?! It's like some giant alien egg that'll end up popping out of your chest later.

"omg it was the tofurkey!"

Anyways, disappointed that it didn't actually look like this fake turkey, but it did taste pretty awesome.

not sure what's happening with that stuffing

What other things do you think tofu could be made into? Tobeef? Tofish, tofeal?

Well it's been a while.. gummi whaa?!

I started reading someone else's blog today and realized, holy crap! i forgot i had one.
Massive fail on my part.

Anyways. Quick thought. Did you know gummi bears (Haribo brand to be exact) contain gelatin? And most gummi products do as well? thanks patrick. now i'm grossed out. For those of you who don't know what's in gelatin, I direct you to HERE.

Of course knowing what it is, may not stop me from eating Haribo bears/peaches/worms what have you. Probably yes... :(

But on the upside, I'll just start eating vegan ones instead... skeptical on those too as I'm pretty sure boiled bones are what make gummi bears so damn good.

well not human bones

As i just posted that picture, I realized Jell-O also has gelatin in it... blech! i guess no more jell-o shots either.

Now if only gelatin products were made out of these:

I would totally eat that

Pants on the Ground (or how i learned that trends will never die)

Needless to say, it's been a pretty frigid time of the year. Consistently, the temperature has been below freezing, or if it hasn't, the windchill has made it so. On the days that it reaches above 35 degrees, it's like summer.

My general routine for a normal business day is:
a) walk to the subway down the west side of Lenox Ave.
b) subway to 66th St.
c) temp
d) walk to 72nd St.
e) subway to 116th St.
f) walk up east side of lenox ave. and across to my apt.

When it's freezing outside, it takes almost twice as long to accomplish this day as I am struggling not to cry while I walk to the subway.

While accomplishing "F" in my travels one day, I noticed I was walking behind a person about my age. He was swaggering quite well, and all I could think was "wow he must be some sort of badass."
Nope.
For the 5 slow minutes it took for me to wait for the light and walk across the street, I realized that the swagger this "badass" in front of me was doing was actually a very intricate walk almost akin to a "pee pee dance."

Remember in the 90s till maybe 5 or 6 years ago when it was all the rage for dudes to let their pants hang a little?
Remember when it got really ridiculous and you were only really cool if you didn't even try to pull them over your butt? I thought this "I'm really cool so I wear my pants halfway up" style had gone out the window. Apparently I was wrong.

This man/boy/person walking ahead of me was definitely rocking the look. I normally would look away/avert my eyes/think of puppies and kitties, but I could not look away. Mainly for the following reasons:
1) it was about -10 outside and very windy
2) his pants were definitely sitting under his butt cheeks
3) his pants were not draggin on the ground which meant he deliberately got short legged jeans for this
4) his boxers had little spongebob squarepants all over them

I guess no matter what century or decade you're in, someone's going to have their pants hanging too low.

But, the one big thing that really got me was the realization that that badass swagger was a really clever ploy to keep his pants up. He looked so cool, but he walked like a bow-legged cowboy, and the only purpose it served was to keep his trousers up. I never noticed that growing up. But I guess as you get older, you start seeing things more clearly or at least start figuring out the obvious... like the term "brown nosing"... seriously I just figured out what it originally references...